girl

dalena | 25 | counting fancies
fmps/rgps/nygh/rjc/smu (biz)
a dancer with mosaic
working at the learning lab
4th feb 1986
dalena@gmail.com
clearing out her wardrobe


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layout: detonatedlove♥
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
11:18 pm

Pokerly fun and random ramblings.


One of the many reasons why I love Aard so much is because of the diversity there - in terms of people you get to know and talk to, the things you can do, and of course, the various ways of entertainment you get there. Thanks to Xant's script, I learnt how to play poker today! It was his version of Texas Hold'em (no idea what's that, but ah well) and I'm proud to say that beginner's luck seriously kicked in for me, because I was on this major winning streak! Out of 12 hands, I won 9! :) Lucky, lucky me. It was lots of fun, though I have to admit I was majorly confused throughout half the games, and I just bet any random numbers I liked and kept calling and bluffing my way through until I won - so I ended with the most number of chips at the end! teehee. I think I said something like oh well doesn't matter if I'm confused, as long as I keep winning...and I did! :b
--
Besides that - I'm doing my best to keep this side of the boat afloat. I suppose I could try harder, but meanwhile I'm still testing the waters, inching in slowly while keeping a strict eye on how everything flows. I am not typically the kind to plunge into things straight away without some consideration anyhow, as opposed to what many people think. I may appear rash, impulsive - all a shopper-addict's traits, perhaps - and scatter-brained many times, not bothering to consider the consequences before getting around to do something, but no, not at all. Once you get past the slightly crazydeliriouswhimsical veil, you'll see the rational me inside, coldly detaching the heart from the head, and always letting the head rule my life.

A handful people who have seen that part of me have told me that I'm too rational for my own good, asking me when am I going to let loose and just allow myself to follow my heart? They left me speechless. The thing is, being reckless is not in my nature, add that to the many betrayals and burnts I've acquired, and you get a scared girl. A girl who only dares to stand on tiptoes at the edge of the pier, peering down apprehensively at the dark, swirling depths. A girl who only promises but never delivers. A girl who doesn't really live life despite living.

Somehow, someday, I need to crawl out of this protective shell of rationality and convince myself that the world is not full of big, bad wolves awaiting to gobble me up the moment I let my defences down. Rationally, my head tells me this, yet my heart cowers in fear at the prospect of having to show my vulnerability to anyone.

This is the irony of my life - I let my head rule everything I do except for the one thing that needs to be done.

Fortunately for me, I might have found a catalyst, or perhaps even the solution. Unfortunately for me, it is half the world away. So all I can do now is wait.