dalena | 25 | counting fancies
a dancer with mosaic
working at the learning lab
4th feb 1986
clearing out her wardrobe
eric & serene
desktop tower defence
go fug yourself
oh no they didn't
pink is the new blog
the butterfly tales
Friday, May 06, 2005
First, to clarify - yes, it is really almost 6am in the morning and yes, I am still utterly and strangely awake. What disturbs me is that in about half an hours' time, my mother and brother will be waking up because the latter has got to go to school, yet I am still sitting here talking to random fellow nocturnalites, feeling as perky as an energizer bunny.
Another thing is, I have to extend my thanks to oscar for being so patient and understanding with me lately. I know I have been a bitch to contend with, not mention incredibly immature and deliberately difficult in the past few days (yes, growlie and shan would agree tremendously) when it came to certain matters. Yet when I came back feeling all shamefaced and stupid, his first assumption was that he'd handled something wrongly because, well he could never comprehend/handle me from the start. I am such a horrible friend. But I am also expressly grateful because he has rekindled my interest in writing with the whole saga, and that is partly the reason why I am still awake at this insane hour. I've been writing.
I realised that I had been slowly losing my interest in writing and reading - I don't mean writing essays and reading trashy books - I mean really writing and reading. It started with entering JC, where I got swept away by parties, socialising, having fun and started neglecting the interests that had sustained me through previous years. Then I tried doing something about it by blogging constantly, to make sure that I will always at least try to keep up with the flow and pen down the thoughts that really matter while doing what I liked doing: manipulate words and craft them into little paragraphs or entries that I can read over and over again and be proud of. But somewhere along the lines of graduation and working, BT sapped too much energy and demanded what I wasn't willing to and couldn't give, that for the next three months, all I wanted to do when I came home was to vegetate. And look at pictures. The less words, the better.
So where did my interest go to? Did it fade away, or did it simply go into hiding?
Well, today I rediscovered it in a way that makes me grateful I'd screwed up the courage to get my ass online to talk to him and thrash things out, then apologise. In a way I had to shelf my pride, but that is okay, because it was a worthy sacrifice for what I have found again. During the past few days, and to some extent, the earlier part of the night, I'd been inadvertently frustrated because everything didn't come out the way I hoped it would come out - I thought I'd lost the touch, the sensitivity to words and their nuances to craft out a satisfactory product. I read, reread, rewrote the little paragraphs not once, not twice, but so many times I lost count, and I was so irritated with myself I just wanted to give up midway. But responsibility kept me going. It is a little, insignificant thing - but I promised to do it, and therefore I will.
And so I did it.
I always worked better very late into the night anyway, when there are less distractions and when both the left and right sides of my brains are better tuned into each other. Only when I'm focused enough, my imagination and feelings can guide the logical parts of my mind that stores the vocabulary and knowledge of word sequence and silly but necessary stuff like grammar, spelling, punctuation, and the likes. Unfortunately, I've got the attention span of a gnat. It's like ooh look, food, then there's MSN, then there's online shopping...soooo many distractions to keep me from what I'm supposed to be doing.
Honestly, I think it's time for me to clean up my act. If I continue being as scatter-brained and unfocused as I was throughout the past 19 years, I'm going to be a huge failure in college, then in life.
Speaking of college, I haven't even decided what I want to do or where I want to go to. I concocted a brilliant plan (which I've already shared with quite a number of my closer friends - and all of them approved) that would leave doors open for me, buy time for me to soul search and ponder about life, yet prevent me from wasting even more time, and also gives me motivation to work towards something. I suppose it is the best I can come up with at the moment to keep me going, if not I am going to remain this lost little cloud, drifting sadly from one place to another.
I wander lonely as a cloud...I wonder, I wander, I wonder.