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dalena | 25 | counting fancies
fmps/rgps/nygh/rjc/smu (biz)
a dancer with mosaic
working at the learning lab
4th feb 1986
dalena@gmail.com
clearing out her wardrobe


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layout: detonatedlove♥
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
10:06 pm

You can be me when I'm gone.


For the uninformed (though I'm sure most of you have already heard about it by now) - Junren was quite badly injured in a rugby match last Saturday. The scrum fell on him, and his spine was hurt, so some of his nerves were crushed and/or stretched. He was originally warded in the ICU (intensive care unit), but as his condition stabilized, he's been moved to the HD (high dependency) ward until he gets better. If any of you would like to visit him, he's currently warded in NUH - you can ask me for more details. He could probably do with more company and entertainment now - and more importantly, he needs our support and encouragement to tide him through this low phase he has to deal with.

Junren: when you get well enough to read this, you'd better get well soon!!! All your friends (and more) are anxiously awaiting your speedy recovery. You're a fighter, and always will be - and we all know that you'll definitely be alright at the end of it. Meanwhile, I'll miss coming to the screen and seeing your messages. :P

--

The last two days have been particularly trying for me. There are too many stories - too long and too painful to be retold. I've shed my tears, I've said my peace, and I've tried to offer the closure that I should have given a long, long time ago, but perhaps it still isn't enough.

Yesterday, my heart broke over and over again with every hour that passed. An online conversation, masked with emoticons and calculated replies / a trip to the hospital, and the first line he spoke upon seeing me / lazy swirls of smoke curling from the tip of a cigarette / tired of having to live a lie, twice a week / tears, a sad smile, two words, a lonely cabride home / more tears, a heartfelt exchange of things that should have been said before but now it's all too late anyway / goodbye to three years of friendship and laughter. You slowly realise in time that with every heart of someone dear to you that you break, a little part of your heart fades away and dies as well.

Everybody used to tell me that I thought too much - I was much too rational, too calm and too cool-headed to live life fully. And so, last year, I tried a new approach to life. I attempted to do what felt right, rather than what I thought was right. The result? The most screwed up year of my life ever. 2005 was so farcical: full of drama and tears and guilt and everything else you find in those soap operas that have no endings. I've never cried so much in a year before, and I am relieved to bid 2005 goodbye, finally.

Last night, I tried to put things right again by doing the right thing - but what IS the right thing, really? Why does something that I know is wrong feel so right, and why does something that I think is right feel so wrong?

Well, the sad fact of life is that not all stories end with a happily ever after. We all grow up someday, to discover to our horrors that our worlds do not revolve around a me as we'd otherwise been led to believe.

Yet, maybe, just maybe, things will get better.

After all, my fortune cookie said so:
...And they lived happily ever after. :)