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layout: detonatedlove♥
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I have to say that I've completely outdone myself.

One of the reasons why I love my blog is because it allows me to keep track of my life - it may not be as forthright as a personal diary would be, but each entry had been crafted carefully to jolt certain memories back into my mind when the need arises. I spent the night reading back - delving back into the life that I had been leading in the past year since the start of school, and I have to repeat this - out of disbelief, if nothing else: I have completely outdone myself.

Sometimes, you think you have changed. You fool yourself into believing that because things have changed, you have changed along with it, and that you will remain changed. But life has this funny way of kicking you back in the rear when you least expect it. And this is one of those times.

Let's take this little but necessary trip down memory lane...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You slowly realise in time that with every heart of someone dear to you that you break, a little part of your heart fades away and dies as well.

Last night, I tried to put things right again by doing the right thing - but what IS the right thing, really? Why does something that I know is wrong feel so right, and why does something that I think is right feel so wrong?

Well, the sad fact of life is that not all stories end with a happily ever after. We all grow up someday, to discover to our horrors that our worlds do not revolve around a me as we'd otherwise been led to believe.

Yet, maybe, just maybe, things will get better.

After all, my fortune cookie said so:
...And they lived happily ever after. :)

--

Sunday, February 19, 2006

I'm afraid you can read me, like a book. I can feel you slowly removing one mask after another, painfully peeling the layers away.

But - I'm even more afraid of a tomorrow that will eventually come and take you away. Like how tomorrow takes all of today away.

--

Saturday, April 29, 2006

I've never been very sure about what I want, being the indecisive, fickle creature that I am - but if there's anything I'm absolutely certain about - it's that I want to be happy.

--

I would quote more of these, but I'm afraid that I may be getting too obvious for my liking.

Looking back and counting eventually led me to the figure of eleven, all in all. Turning things around in my usual topsy-turvy fashion, the number now stands at eight. Some things really never do change - in fact, all they do is get worse. That includes myself, by the way.

I was under the false impression that the last year was filled with bliss and nothing else - but I also forgot that I possess this nasty habit of having what we call a selective memory. I love to only remember the things that suit me, and I love to remember the things that keep me feeling happy and whole - but what about the bad parts of life? Is it fair to just sweep them all under the carpet and pretend that they'd never existed in the first place?

Recollecting: one whole year ago (give or take a few days), I found myself at a fork in the road. I was indecisive then, and tried to take the left - swiftly regretting soon after, backtracked, and then I ran down the right lane. Somehow or another, that didn't work out too well either and I found myself at yet another junction where the right and the left lanes met. Frustrated, I shut my eyes and screamed into the silence - I screamed and screamed and screamed until I opened my eyes again to discover that it had all been a dream - in reality, I'd taken the centre path.

One year down the (literal) road, I found myself at a dead end. Once again, I shut my eyes and screamed and screamed and screamed since it worked so well the last time, opened my eyes, to find that I was wrong. The reality that I'd thought I'd taken hadn't been real afterall - and so now I awake properly to realize in horror that I have dreamt one year away. The seasons had come and gone, the birds have grown a year, and the trees have shed and grown - yet I remained stagnant and immobile all this while, save for the life that I led in my dreams.

Rubbing the sleep-fuzz out of my eyes, I took a good look - there was never a centre path to begin with. I'd dreamt one up, and dreamt myself into taking it, because it was what I thought I wanted - and we all know, what Dalena wants, Dalena gets.

Not anymore though, not anymore.

I thought I'd changed. I haven't.

I thought you'd changed, too. You haven't.

I do understand that this entry would leave many of you lost, and wondering. I'm sorry to say but I can't explain myself further.

So, that was the nasty, unexpected shock that I'd met in my little revisit down memory lane - what's yours?

Labels: rainy days